The sun is shining. The day is good. No worries in sight. I’m moving through life calmly, peacefully — when suddenly, from GOD KNOWS WHERE, this little gremlin crawls up next to my ear and whispers:

“But why don’t we fuck all of this up, hm? Maybe add a little overthinking 😉”

And just like that, the inner dialogue shifts.

The gremlin starts firing off irrational, intrusive thoughts — about who I am, what I should do, say, eat, be. Naturally, I fight back. I argue, insult it, tell it to shut the f up. And before I know it, I’m at war with myself.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

We criticize, we are tough, we are disciplinarians. We impose, and we lead by fear. Telling our bodies how to look, our minds what to think, and our souls what to feel. And when they don’t listen, we attack. And in the meantime, we create bruises and scars that WE are left with to heal.

Some heal, and some don’t, but we rarely learn that there are different ways to work with ourselves. Some of us had parents who criticized and were tough. Used severe and harsh words to impose their will. And we know it doesn’t work, we know how much it hurts. Yet we still choose to speak to ourselves in a way we would never dare to speak to anyone else. I personally believe that no human on this earth is tougher on us than we are.

Where does our twisted inner dialogue begin?

I remember this time when I was really young, about 13 or 14 years old. I was in my home country and trying to lose weight. I wanted to look a certain way,  like one of the “skinny” girls. Which I was repeatedly told I was not, as if that was a league you should be proud to be a part of. Nothing bad with being skinny, it’s just not necessarily the only “good” way to be.

Long story short, my body & mind were not having it, and I didn’t look the way I wanted to. I remember grabbing my belly, pinching it with so much hate, while having a disgusting inner dialogue. Calling myself all the bad names I honestly never addressed to anyone else.  I cannot express in words how much hate, disgust, and desperation I directed towards my body. But also my mind, because she wasn’t “managing” me as she should have.

How you should not speak to yourself

Here’s the truth: speaking to yourself with aggression, insults, or shame does nothing useful. It’s not productive. It doesn’t help you grow.

Think back to moments when you weren’t your own ally. How did you speak to yourself? Would you ever speak to someone you love that way?

You are a complex human being. You have triggers, patterns, fears, and desires. You mess up. You grow. You take steps forward and sometimes ten steps back. Congratulations — that makes you human.

And yet, when things don’t go as planned, this is often the internal soundtrack:

“I’m an idiot.”

“How can I be so stupid?”

“I should be further by now.”

“Why can’t I be more like them?”

“Of course, I messed this up. I always do.”

So how do you change this inner dialogue?

I could tell you to stop using these phrases. I could tell you to replace them with affirmations. Honestly? That rarely sticks.

Instead, try asking yourself a few simple questions when you catch yourself spiraling:

• Is this way of speaking to myself helping at all?

• Will this get me where I want to go faster?

• Is this feeding my confidence — or draining it?

Beating yourself up doesn’t make you stronger. It slows you down. Negative self-talk is a roadblock, not a motivator.

What should your inner dialogue look like?

First, you need a lot of patience with yourself. This is a process, and it takes time to develop “the right inner dialogue”. Focus on results and on where you want to go, then trust the process and learn from all situations, pleasant or unpleasant.

Imagine a situation where things didn’t quite go as planned, and you’re feeling less than thrilled about your handling of it. Is tearing yourself down with harsh criticism the best course of action? According to the question system we talked about earlier, the answer is a resounding no. Doing so only keeps you stuck, fixating on what went wrong. On the flip side, showering yourself with kindness and understanding might seem like the ideal approach. While certainly beneficial, I’m personally not convinced it’s the ultimate solution for progress either.

I suggest this instead:

1. Acknowledge, from a fact-only point of view, how things turned out. What did you not like?  Don’t complain, don’t hate, be kind and firm.
2. Decide how you wish things had turned out. Think ideal situation – say to yourself in an assertive but calm voice what you want.
3. Reflect on what alternative actions could have led to the desired outcome. Commit to prioritizing those actions in similar situations going forward.
4. Take some time to strategize and prepare yourself to either avoid similar situations or handle them more effectively in the future.
5. If you find yourself repeatedly facing frustrating scenarios, it’s okay to hold yourself accountable, but it’s also important to delve deeper. Ask yourself probing questions to understand the root causes, and then develop plans and contingency measures accordingly.

Now, if the previous process feels too time-consuming for you, here’s a simpler alternative:

Consider how you would advise a friend in a similar situation. What words of encouragement or guidance would you offer them?

Alternatively, imagine yourself at age 12. How would you speak to your younger self with kindness and understanding?

Or, imagine the scenario from the perspective of your daughter. How would you communicate with her, taking into account her feelings and well-being? Would you use the same tone, words, and approach?

To conclude

You need to start thinking of yourself as a team. Build a team with all the different parts of yourself – all of them need your attention. As in every team, communication is key! Screaming, pounding, and throwing tantrums will leave your team members scared/frustrated/angered. Your team will lose; hence, you are losing.

Commit to yourself and your team and focus on productivity & understanding. Know you are not crazy…and there is certainly a reason for the behavior you did not like.  Always ask yourself what do I want? Where do I want to go, and how can I get there faster? Understand that you can speak badly to yourself all you want… and, then what? Congratulations, what have you achieved? Are you closer to your goals? Have you earned or learned anything? You just lost half of your self-esteem & time…choose a different way!