Does it ever feel like you’re reliving the same unwanted situations on repeat? Like the same patterns keep finding you, the same wounds reopening in different forms? Do you catch yourself thinking, “Why does this always happen to me?” or “What did I do wrong this time?”

The Status Quo

Maybe you keep seeing yourself in the same negative way. Or maybe you constantly bring yourself down with unhelpful messages. Or, you meet someone new and are excited, only to have things turn out negatively again. You feel like you’re always failing, getting pushed, hurt, or rejected. You feel as if everyone, BUT YOU, has this secret sauce to life and experiences. They are all in on it, and they don’t want to share the recipe.

Reliving the same horrible experiences over and over is incredibly frustrating. By the nth time, you’re aware it’s happening, making it even worse because you’re watching the negativity repeat itself. So now it’s not just shitty; you also get front-row seats to predicting your own sh*t repeating itself. And I don’t know about you, but it’s really frustrating for me.

What if it’s all about perception?

One day, as I was watching “my mess” unfold for the millionth time in my mind, I started getting this feeling that I’d like a break from myself. I would like to leave my body there and go on a short vacation. I wanted to hit pause and stop my head from rambling. But you can’t just shut down the cinema playing movies in your own head, can you?

Realizing I just can’t hit PAUSE, I decided to look at things from a higher perspective. I tried to detach from my emotions. It was like watching my life unfold while pretending it’s not mine. I was just a spectator, eating popcorn and “enjoying” someone else’s drama.

Nothing crazy happened, besides an idea that came to me. What if it’s our perception of a situation that is the same, rather than the situation itself? As if you were choosing your own filter and starting to see everything through it. So even if everything is colorful, you see everything in black & white because that’s the filter you apply. 

The research started

Our reality is largely shaped by the perspectives we hold. This concept can be understood through the lenses of confirmation bias, Adlerian psychology, and Nietzsche’s philosophy. Confirmation bias, the tendency to favor information that confirms our preexisting beliefs, underscores how our expectations and assumptions color our perception of the world. In Adlerian psychology, the emphasis on individual purpose and goals illustrates how our subjective views drive our behaviors and interactions, further reinforcing our personal reality.

Lastly, Nietzsche’s notion of perspectivism posits that there are countless interpretations of the world, each influenced by our unique vantage points and experiences. Together, these ideas suggest that by selecting our perspective, we are essentially choosing the filter through which we view and interpret our experiences. This filter shapes our reality, influencing not only what we see but also how we react and what we become.

Don’t you think it's interesting how you and your best friends look at something and see something completely different?

Isn’t it funny how, based on what you have lived, seen, or done, some situations get to the depth of your core, but they don’t seem to do much to your friend? That’s called perception. You perceive the situation as significant, whereas your friend might perceive it as insignificant.

We get a movie played in front of our eyes (a situation, an interaction). As it plays, depending on the filter we apply, we form perceptions, generate thoughts, express feelings, and react. That moment after perception is formed and just before you react is deaf & blind mode. The moment you decide how you want to perceive someone/something, you give fuel to your feelings, and action is bound to happen. What the person says after you decide what you will feel and think won’t make a huge difference…

Therefore, I am telling you that one reason you might be reliving the same uncomfortable situation a million times is that you are choosing your filter to see every situation the same way. Then reacting the same and generating the same outcomes. Finishing off with reinforcing your thoughts, “I always end up in this situation,” “Why does this always happen to me?”

How can you be choosing your own filter?

AWARENESS

This right here is the first step and maybe the most important one. Start asking yourself questions: What filter am I applying in this situation? Are there various ways to interpret this? Start being aware of how you view a situation. Don’t necessarily do anything at this stage, but just be aware. Don’t try to suppress how you feel or push away emotions. Try to identify if you might be adding your thoughts, fears, & co. to a situation. Here is an example:

Situation 1 – I’m watching a pretty girl talk to my boyfriend. I see this unfold and think, “Is he interested? I think he likes her! He obviously wants her more than he wants me.” This, of course, generates feelings of insecurity that make me feel bad. Clearly, I’ve been watching the situation from the beginning through an “I am not enough/Everyone else is better” filter.

Situation 2 – I’m watching a pretty girl talk to my boyfriend. I see this unfold, and I think, “Oh, I love how he gets along with everyone so well!” This makes me feel good about him & myself. I’ve been watching the situation from the beginning through a loving & confident filter.

DISCLAIMER: This does not take into account toxic relationships. Additionally, understanding why we choose the “I am not enough” filter is another story of its own. Lastly, maybe you are wondering “what if I'm actually right and something is going on. In that case, it's still better to choose a “curious” filter and address this later with the person in question.

Play with choosing your own filters

Start switching things up for fun. Say you have identified that you are looking at a situation with an “I am not good enough” filter. Ask yourself, how would I see this situation if I applied the “most confident person on earth filter”? How about the “peaceful and loving” or maybe “distant and not caring about much” filter? Try various options and see how you see them, and how that changes how YOU feel.

Keep in mind that you cannot know what is going on in others' heads, but you can choose your perspective on a situation. At the end of the day, no matter how you look at a situation, it won’t change what is going on in someone else’s head or their true intentions. All it will do is make you feel comfortable and safe in the moment, rather than uncomfortable and full of doubt.

Make a game out of this

Think of it as a game: what filter can be applied, and how it will change my perception of this situation. Try funny and angry filters, then choose the one that makes you feel your best! If you still have doubts, definitely address them afterward.

Disclaimer: please don’t think this is a one-time process…you need to do this constantly for your mind to start doing this automatically. You wouldn’t go to the gym once and expect to look ripped, would you? (yes, you’d love to, but you know that’s not how it works). Treat your mind like a muscle – train it every day.

You are now a pro at choosing your own filter!

Lastly, I always try to ask myself how someone with a completely opposite history from mine would interpret this situation. For example, say I have always been hurt by others and rejected. When I’m afraid and perceiving someone’s behaviour as “rejection,” I ask myself: “How would someone who never gets rejected interpret this behaviour and situation? What would their perception be?” This will tell your mind, “Look, I'm not saying you’re wrong, I'm just saying that this situation could be interpreted in various ways”.

Trust me, once you change the filter through which you view life, you will change the movie going on in your head. You will change your story, and this will completely change what you get to experience and live!