“How to find yourself.”

“How to discover your true self.”

“Ten steps to figure out who you are.”

I’m pretty sure you’ve come across titles like these more than once. If you’re anything like me — permanently curious, always questioning — you’ve probably clicked on a few. Maybe some helped. Maybe none really stuck.

But what if, instead of finding yourself, the real work is deciding who you want to be?

Does finding oneself mean we are actually lost?

If we take this idea to the extreme, that’s actually what it sounds like. As if we don’t know where we are and keep searching for ourselves somewhere else. Should we send ourselves our GPS location? What does it even mean to find yourself? What exactly are you looking for when you say that?

When I phrase it like this, it sometimes feels as if I’m disconnected from myself — like I’m questioning my own existence as if I were a stranger. I’m not saying these aren’t good questions to ask. They are. But they’re vague, and their answers are almost impossible to pin down.

I am not the same person in every situation. I am one version of myself when I feel loved, safe, and seen. I am a completely different person when I witness injustice. I will not calmly and politely observe something that feels wrong. So which one am I?

Clearly, both.

But then, how do we define ourselves? Am I a “calm” person — or a “calm, unless triggered” person? And if that’s the case, where exactly is this fixed, stable self everyone keeps telling us to find?

How about deciding who you want to be?

We spend years trying to figure out who we are, only to eventually realise that the only constant is this: we’re a work in progress for our entire lives. We never fully, finally “find ourselves.” We just keep discovering parts of ourselves, again and again, in different moments, phases, and versions.

These questions have always weighed heavily on my mind. And while I do believe there’s valuable content out there about how to “figure out who you are,” something shifted for me when I read a single line in Tim Ferriss’ Tribe of Mentors:

“What if we tried to create ourselves rather than find ourselves?”

I remember rereading that sentence a few times. It landed differently. It felt like an answer I didn’t know I’d been looking for — a quiet but powerful aha moment.

What does deciding who you want to be actually imply? And how is it different from trying to find yourself?

At its core, it’s just a shift in perspective — but a powerful one.

“Finding yourself" implies searching for something without really knowing what you’re looking for. It suggests waiting. Discovering. Almost hoping that one day, your “true self” will magically reveal itself. It also subtly implies that someone or something already defined you — and you’re just here to uncover it, without much control over the outcome.

Creating yourself, on the other hand, puts the power back where it belongs: with you.

When you say, “I am constantly creating myself and deciding who I want to be,” you step into an active role. You become the author. You decide what matters, what stays, what evolves. You give yourself meaning instead of waiting for it to be handed to you. This isn’t passive discovery — it’s intentional action. And yes, along the way, you’ll still learn things about yourself. The difference is that you use those insights consciously, instead of letting them define you by default.

Okay — so if we’re dropping the whole “finding myself” narrative, what does creating yourself actually look like?

Deep down, most of us already know what we like and what we don’t. Our preferences often guide us quietly, almost automatically. Where they come from is another story — upbringing, culture, conditioning — and honestly, you could spend a lifetime trying to untangle that.

Or… you could skip ahead.

Instead of asking “Who am I?” try asking:

• Who do I want to be in this world?
• How do I want to act? How do I want to speak?
• What qualities do I want to embody?

Shift your focus from identity-hunting to identity-building.

If you want to become a confident, entrepreneurial woman, start creating yourself into her. Look for women who embody what you admire. Notice what they practice daily, what they had to let go of, and what they chose to prioritise. Take what resonates, leave the rest, and add your own flavour. You’ll discover even more about yourself in the process — not by accident, but by design.

And yes, I know what you’re thinking: These questions aren’t any easier.

You’re right. They’re not.

But here’s the difference: they give you a choice. They give you agency. They allow you to decide — instead of waiting to be defined by circumstance.

Both finding yourself and creating yourself are lifelong processes. That part doesn’t change. But one approach puts your desires, values, and direction at the centre. The other suggests that life just happens to you, and you slowly piece together who you are without much say in the matter.

Personally, I find that idea incredibly one-sided — and simply not true.

So, tell me, what are you choosing to create yourself into?